Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Family Celebrity
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”