Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
my dad when a sex scene comes on
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
That’s it.I’m out.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.