Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
