Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Put the is in disheveled
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
A short story about romance.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
never deleting this app.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors