Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
You Might Also Like
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.