Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?