Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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August 8
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.