Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
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Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I try
Lmao 🤣
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo