Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

lol

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off