Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
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The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Bill is short for Billiam
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.