Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”