Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
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The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue