Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

need a new bf mines broken 😐

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.