Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

my favorite genre of twitter

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

no!! no!!!!!!

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them