I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.