Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
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My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Who chose this font
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
won’t smith
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free