Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

i actually laughed 😩

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell