“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!