“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
LOOOOOOL
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
In case you needed to hear it:
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.