“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.