Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
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I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
They got Raph!
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
multitasking lunch
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played