@Kalarlis

should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room

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@ginadivittorio

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

@TheToddWilliams

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

@Brampersandon_

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

@TheCiscoKidder

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?

VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure

@TwinSurvivalist

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

@themiltron

interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death

@UncleDuke1969

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

@NikiWithIssues

Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he’s really into phone calls.