[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.