Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
me at the job i begged god for
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The government even made aliens boring
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.