Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room


[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*


Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”


WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen


i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64


How soon is it going to be before school spelling tests only requires getting the first three letters correct until google does the rest.


“911 whats ur emergency”
omg im DYING
“we’ll send someone right awa–”
i met THE funiest guy
“ok wait so ur not actualy–”


Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.


Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.


Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason