Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.