@Cheeseboy22

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

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@SunshineJarboly

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

@ThugRaccoons

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

@Lisabug74

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

@truegritrumble

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

@hyenasaur

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

@iTomFoolery

How soon is it going to be before school spelling tests only requires getting the first three letters correct until google does the rest.

@jonnysun

“911 whats ur emergency”
omg im DYING
“we’ll send someone right awa–”
i met THE funiest guy
“ok wait so ur not actualy–”
AND HE STABBED ME

@heckinglame

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

@LosLos__

Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

@markedly

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason