Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Bloody internet 😳

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.