Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Who says great literature is dead?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Eating for two.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.