Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
You Might Also Like
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
#Caturday
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
the red hot silly peppers
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.