Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

me 2 months after i graduated

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.