Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them