“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
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This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does