“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
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Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK