“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three