@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

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@PinkCamoTO

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

@dshack8

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

@RdrJay47

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

@mrjohndarby

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

@phranqueigh

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

@Just_A_Guy72

NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.

I call bullshit.

After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed

@NotNikk

Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck