Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
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My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
R.I.P.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
That’s enough internet for the day
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.