Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.