Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
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[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy