Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Y’all know who you are.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars