Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

#oldknees

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Every time my phone rings

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.