Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
You Might Also Like
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.