Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

🤣

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

my first day as a raccoon

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.