Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.