Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
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When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking