Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…