Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

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Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.


Did they try rubbing butter on the boat that’s stuck in the Suez Canal?


Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?


Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope


You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.



M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”


I said my wife’s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet’s empty…


[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”