@chuckconry

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

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@Vice_Queen

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Did they try rubbing butter on the boat that’s stuck in the Suez Canal?

@TheAlexNevil

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

@msdanifernandez

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

@LoveNLunchmeat

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

@3sunzzz

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

@NotThatKevin

I said my wife’s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet’s empty…

@garthinkingcap

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”