Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

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“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”


[At neighbor’s barbecue]

Neighbor: How would you like your steak?

Me: At my house with no any company.


Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.


I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.


If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.


Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.


Embrace her crazy and she’ll love you forever or until she kills you, whichever comes first


Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..


[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”


My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.