@chuckconry

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

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@UncleDuke1969

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“MOOSE!!!”

“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”

@underchilde

[At neighbor’s barbecue]

Neighbor: How would you like your steak?

Me: At my house with no any company.

@Just_Lee_

Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.

@Izianikapani

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

@better_off_dad

If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.

@tigersgoroooar

Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.

@AnkCoupleTO

Embrace her crazy and she’ll love you forever or until she kills you, whichever comes first

@GordoHelio

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@DrakeGatsby

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.