Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.