Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
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People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
me and my fake scenarios
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon