Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.