Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
You Might Also Like
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling