Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
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My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I