Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
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Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
They’re the worst 😩
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask