Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.