Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…