Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Lmaoo 😂

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

started wrapping my pills in cheese

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.