me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
G: It’s complicated.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”