@MichaelTrying

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

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@tigersgoroooar

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

@mrjohndarby

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

@sidastrous

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

@nigelgodwin

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

@3dnzo

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

@TommyKarate

She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.

@ManInTheHoody

if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it

@FrenulumBreve

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

@LurkAtHomeMom

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

@_mindflakes

We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”