“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Clients after you give them your rates
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.