Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
You Might Also Like
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
