Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]