Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid