Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”