Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly