Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear