Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet