We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.
“Walk it off” does not apply to everything.
Stupidity, for example.
You’re not walking that shit off unless it’s in to oncoming traffic
When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty