@misfarber

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

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@just1fool

We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.

@Darlainky

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

@LittleHarmonica

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

@AndyAsAdjective

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

@Eightinchgoat

Fun trick:

Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.

@mermaidsluvwine

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

@trumpetcake

People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]

@UncleDuke1969

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

@upsheezy

“Walk it off” does not apply to everything.

Stupidity, for example.

You’re not walking that shit off unless it’s in to oncoming traffic

@pecan_pie_1

When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty