Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Voodoo map
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband: