Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
You Might Also Like
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here