Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
good morning
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not