Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
How to make infinite energy.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.