Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Beware…..

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

My dog ate my work from home.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate