Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.