– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.