Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Don’t we all.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.