Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.