Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

my proudest tweet