Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.