Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
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Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
WWE is French for “yes”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
With a text.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv