Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
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Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
me watching my own Instagram story
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“you recording!?”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.